Faith Like The Three

I'm pretty sure you've all heard the story.

I have. It's the story of the fiery furnace. In the Bible, in the book of Daniel, the story goes something like this...

King Nebuchadnezzar built an image of himself out of gold, ninety feet high and nine feet wide (that's a lot of gold and mildly vain, in case hadn't noticed). Then he called all of his officials to the dedication of the image and told them to bow down to it when they heard lots of music playing (that's really vain, in case you hadn't noticed). Three Jews, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah (more commonly known by their Babylonian names, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) refused to bow down to the image.

Nebuchadnezzar wasn't too happy about this, so he called in the three Jews and told them to do what he said. If they didn't, they would be thrown into a fiery furnace. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused again, so the king order the heat on the furnace turned up (7 times hotter than usual; that's a lot of fire) and had them tied up and tossed in. It was hot enough that the soldiers who threw them in were killed by the flames. Nebuchadnezzar was probably sitting and gloating when he realized that their were four guys walking around in his furnace. He asked his guards "Didn't we throw three guys into that furnace? And why does that fourth one look like a son of God?" Nebuchadnezzar then called to the three Jews and told them to come out of the fire, which they did. He realized that God had protected them and decreed that God was God (slightly obvious at this point) and that anyone who disagreed would have Bad Things happen to them.

I'd heard this story many times, but when I read through it recently, one part in particular caught my eye. When the king told Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to bow down to the image, they said the following:

"O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

I was amazed by the faith that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had. They were sure that God would rescue them from Nebuchadnezzar if they were thrown into a furnace. Impressive as that is, what I find even more awesome is that their faith was not dependent on God saving them. They told the king that even if God did not save them from the furnace, God was God, and they could never turn away from him.

They understood that our faith in God should be strong not because of the things we will receive or the things that God will do for us but because He is God. I pray for faith like that.

Hammering It Out

Good steel takes lots of time and lots of work.

A good story takes the same, I think. I haven't had as much time to work on my writing this semester as I would have liked, but I still have spent many a night trading sleep for the chance to get some work done. Tonight was one such night. Was gonna go to bed early. Got lots of revising done instead.

I'm finished my first revision cycle tonight, actually. While the basic structure of the story is the same, I have done a LOT of work fixing basic grammar stuff. More importantly, though, I've spent a lot of time trying to flesh out themes, to correct problems with the story, and to bring the characters to life and flesh them out as real people. I've gotten good feedback from a number of different people. It's been interesting to listen to the different things that different people comment on, and while I haven't necessarily followed all the advice I've received, I've taken it all into consideration.

I'll shift gears for a bit now and spin some more actual story to weave in. Then I'll be back to hammering away and trying to pound out the impurities in my story. It takes time and its definitely work (not play), but its work that I love doing, and work that I can lose hours to without even realizing it. That's why I want to write stories. Because I really love spending time at the forge, smithing together words and trying to hammer it into something beautiful.

Without Aim

I'm not sure what I'm going to write about.

And yet for some reason, my hands feel drawn to the keyboard. I've got thoughts rolling through my head, but they're troubling and nebulous and shifting, hard to nail down. But I've found that oftentimes, the best way to nail things down is to put them into words, so here I am. These are just my thoughts... there's no highly reasoned and thought out conclusions or airtight arguments. In fact, there might not even be solid, coherent reasoning. They are what they are.

I know the general topic matter of my thoughts. You probably could, too, if you thought about it. Why? That's easy; they're troubling thoughts.

An old friend of mine once said something that's stuck with me for a long time because it's as funny as it is true. One day, I was feeling (and looking) down, so he asked if I was feeling crappy. I told him I was and he asked if it was about a girl. He was right, it was. I was surprised that he knew what was bothering me and asked how he had figured it out. In response, he laughed and said "Peske, anytime a guy is looking down, it's probably because of a pair of tits and some estrogen."

This is the point where I don't really know where to go, though, so I'm just going to start typing. I'm pretty good at talking to girls. I figured that one out a long time ago. I can keep a conversation going no problem and get to know a girl. But I think I may have gotten myself stuck in a rut.

Since about early high school, I've liked quite a few different girls. I've only ever dated one girl, though (and that relationship didn't turn out very well). In most of the rest of the cases, I realized that the girl in question didn't requite and settled for becoming friends with her. I had a number of good friends who worked out that way, honestly.

I think that over time, I kind of developed a system. Turned it into an art, if you will. The girls that I liked, I became friends with. And didn't become anything else with.

Ironically, I've learned over the years that a number of the girls who I liked but became friends with ended up liking me at some time or another. The timing wasn't right or I didn't notice their feelings or something, though, because it never worked out. I was just their friend, and that's all I'd ever be.

I've decided I can't keep that pattern up anymore, though. I can't meet a new girl, like her, realize she doesn't like me, and then become friends with her instead since she's such a cool girl. I'd rather meet a girl, and if I like her, I'll ask her out on a date. And if she says yes, that's great, and if she says no, I'll forget about her and move on. None of this half-assed, "let's be friends since you don't like me" stuff.

Because I've grown tired of the game. I can't keep dealing with the same bullshit. I can't keep watching girls I like date douchebag guys who don't treat them right. I can't keep smiling and nodding in agreement when girls say things like "We went on a date and he kissed me, but now he won't even talk to me. Guys are such assholes!" because hey, here I stand, doing my damndest to be a shining example of a not-asshole, and it's getting me nowhere. I can't keep sitting there and watching girls be fun and charming and maddeningly attractive while I have to bite my tongue and think about how I can't sweep them off their feet like I'd like to. I can't keep doing the nice-guy thing, because hey, we all know where they finish.

Ironically, I sometimes think that I don't know how to romance girls courtesy of my friendship policy. Even I were to like a girl and she were to like me, I don't have the foggiest idea of how to make the transition from the let's-get-to-know-each-other stage to the we-like-each-other-and-we're-dating stage. I think I'd just end up sliding right into the now-we're-friends line of thinking. I suppose I could just do what most guys do and try to get into their pants, except that that's not even a little bit me and would go against everything I am and believe. Which is too bad, because that method seems a lot simpler.

When I get sucked down into these kinds of thoughts, I usually grow frustrated and dream about washing my hands entirely of the female species and being a bachelor for the rest of my life. It certainly has its perks. Total freedom; no one to nag you or force you to check in or keep you from doing whatever spontaneous thing you decide. Money, the kind that you can throw around at whatever toy catches your eye. A lot less conflict.

But for as often as I consider it, I think of a life without a girl, and there are a few things that I just can't escape. An empty house. No one to talk to. No one to hold, or to be held be in return. Sex, specifically the lack-thereof (cause hey, I'm an abstinent 22 year old guy - these things occur to me).

I could lead a successful, contented life without a wife. I don't know how happy or fulfilled I'd be, but successful and content is probably more than many people can hope for.

Even as I say things like that, I realize that many people I know would be shaking their heads at the way I extrapolate out my current situation. Which is fair, because I'd probably shake my head at me too if I weren't me. Hell, I kinda shake my head at me anyway. There are plenty of situations in my past where I've been miserable at the time, and now I couldn't care less about what was bothering me at the time.

I don't even really know where my thoughts are at anymore. I guess I'm left feeling like I'm playing a game that I'm forced to play. Thing is, I'm no good at the game. Not even sure I know the rules. I take to pretty much everything else without much effort, though, so maybe that's my trade off.

But I don't really have much else to say. If you've read this far, congratulations. You've suffered through my disorganized thoughts.