One Two Three, No Substitutions, Exchanges, or Refunds

Can you place that Disney quote?

Anywho, I was recently reminded of why I don't drink much. The reasons fall mostly into three different categories which I will represent using sounds, because I can.

One: ka-ching. Booze costs about a bazillion dollars a bottle. One bottle doesn't last long if drink a lot. Multiply one bazillion times however many bottles you go through, and you get a lot of bazillions. When I'm trying to go to college, which costs many, many bazillions of dollars, I do not have many spare dollars to throw around.

Two: blech. A buzz can be enjoyable, but any more than that, in my opinion, doesn't really feel that good. Having Poseidon (or perhaps Broseidon, God of Alcohol and underaged drinking) take up personal residence in your head and spin your head guts into a swirling whirlpool of dizziness doesn't exactly thrill me. And then you feel like crap afterwards, because Broseidon shifts his residence down to your stomach guts and repeats his whirlpool party trick. If he's in top form, he can even tsunami your booze right back up your esophagus. Good times.

Three: smack. That was a facepalm, in case you didn't catch it. You see, in order to write a book that contained accounts of all the stupid things that drunk people have done, we'd probably have to terraform the rest of the planets in the solar system into lush, verdant forest worlds ala Pandora from Avatar. Once we'd managed that, we'd have to chop them all down and grind them into paper so that we wouldn't run out. We'd also have to invent a new binding system that would probably involve force fields, wormholes, and yet-undiscovered elements. And that's only for one copy. Because drunk people do a lot of stupid things.

Hence, I do not drink a lot. That will be all.