I heard a story recently that got me thinking about the issue of cheating. The person who was telling the story was encouraging people to take back their spouses even if they cheated because as 1 Cor. 12:4-8 says, love never fails and keeps no record of wrongs.
That didn't jive with me.
I've sometimes contemplated whether or not I would take back a girl I was dating/married to if she cheated on me. I've never contemplated it very long because I already know the answer. The short version is "no". The long version is "no, and I'd tell her to get out and never cross my sight again".
Yeah, it'd be harsh. But you know what? Cheating on someone is harsh.
But what I had heard kept bouncing around in my head, and I got to thinking. Once I tired of thinking, I turned and dug into the Bible to see what I could find on cheating, on forgiveness, and on love. Here's a little of what I found.
Colossians 3:13 - Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.I pondered these verses for a while. Do they apply to relationships? Not directly, no (Paul, for instance, was writing to the members of various churches, not a couples' therapy group), but shouldn't the love I have for my spouse match or exceed the love I have for my brother(in the Biblical sense)? This language about love and forgiveness is so strong that I can't help but think that someone who loved their spouse this way would take them back even if they cheated.
1 Peter 4:8 - Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Matthew 19:9 - I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
On the other hand, Jesus talks about how, if you divorce someone and remarry, it's a sin unless they cheated on you. It follows logically, then, that it's not a sin to divorce and remarry if your spouse cheats on you. Based on this verse, I think it's fair enough to say that turning a cheater away is not a sin.
Which is good, because I honestly don't know if I could take a someone back after they cheated on me and shattered my trust. I could probably try hard, and it would definitely help if the person was deeply sorry for what they had done and fiercely committed to righting their wrongs, but even then, I have trouble seeing it working.
One part of me would like to be able to love people like the verses I've found instruct us to. But another part of me screams that loving people like that is just inviting use and abuse and pain and heartbreak.
I'll do my best to love my brothers and neighbors as God instructs and, if I marry, to love my spouse as deeply and completely as I know how. Then I think I'll take comfort in the fact that God will not count it against me should I draw the line at taking back those who would mangle my heart.
Of course, I don't really think it will ever happen to me, or at least I sincerely pray that it won't, but the question still makes me think.
Therefore, I'm curious to see what you all think on the topic. Leave a comment if you have any thoughts.
4 comments:
Faith and reason are easy to be seperated from the other when cheating comes into the picture. Forgiveness in a time like divorce would be the perfect thing to do, but no one is perfect. Everyone is human no matter what ideals or morals are followed.
That is the one ground where I would be unforgiving. If the person truly loved you to begin with then they wouldn't cheat on you. Therefor the versus about love, I don't know if they always apply.
I had the same thought. The only thing that gave me pause with that argument was the thought of whether your love for another person should be conditional. I would say that God's perfect love isn't conditional (He loves us no matter how much we screw up) and that that is what we're called to emulate. So in a perfect world, we should love our spouse unconditionally (and pick a person who will love us the same way and therefore not cheat). As Vanillaleaves pointed out, though, a perfect world this ain't.
Divorce does not equal unforgiveness. Even if the Bible permits you to divorce a cheater, it does NOT permit you to withhold your forgiveness.
This is not just a question of love, but also a question of obedience to God. God has pardoned all sins (except blaspheming against the Holy Spirit). Our duty is to forgive as God forgave us ("Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us"). Or as in Mt 6:13-14, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
If you value your own forgiveness and redemption, you must forgive the cheater.
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