On The Art Of Listening

Shhh.



Hear that? That's the sound of you listening.

Listening is a skill that not a lot of people are good at because they don't realize its value. If someone has a problem that they want to talk about, others will often want to speak up. They want to give advice or solutions or reassurance or examples of similar situations that they went through. And don't get me wrong, all of these things are good. But unless they're used sparingly, they actually tend to inhibit good conversation.

That sounds a little counter-intuitive, I know, but hear me out.

If someone comes to you with a problem or a situation that they want to talk over, it's more important that they talk than it is that you talk. Why? Because they're the one who wanted to talk about it! They're the one with the problem. They want to get their feelings out, and the only way for them to do that is for them to talk about it. Oftentimes, putting your feelings and problems into words is the biggest help, whether or not you find the solution in the process.

But if someone comes to you and you fill every pause in the conversation with your own thoughts, you're probably missing out on THEIR thoughts. And their thoughts are what you really want to hear and what they really need to say.

But if you don't fill the silence, what will? Won't there be a big awkward silence?

Yep.

But that's exactly the point! Silence is good! And in most cases, it's not actually an awkward silence. It's time for the other person to think. Because if you're not stuffing their brain full of your thoughts, they have time to figure out their own and give them to you.

The problem of good-intentioned people talking over those they are trying to help is really quite widespread. In RA training, we do something called "open doors" where returner RAs (such as myself) act out possible situations that new RAs might have to deal with. One thing that I found in my situation was that hardly anyone gave me any time to actually talk about the situation. They would begin desperately throwing solutions and advice at me the instant they thought they knew what was going on. They wanted to be helpful, but in their rush to be helpful, they actually did the worst thing that they could do. They talked over the person trying to talk to them.

Most people don't even realize they do it. I have found, though that it takes a conscious effort to listen.

You see, ever since I learned the importance of listening (from my father - thanks Dad), I have started thinking about everything I say to a person when I'm talking with them on a deeper level. I try not to offer advice unless it's asked for. I try not to say anything that isn't either very important or clearly helpful. I even try not to murmur in constant agreement (which can be bad, believe it or not). And if someone trails off, I don't leap forward to fill the silence. Sometimes I won't say anything for a good minute or two, just to give them time to think.

It's not easy, but it works. I've been amazed by what some people will say if you give them the opportunity to say it. I've heard interesting facts, bitter admissions, and dark secrets simply because I didn't say anything for a while. Because as soon as you start talking, the other person stops. But if you let a little silence linger, people will bare their souls.

So the next time someone wants to talk to you, take time to listen carefully. Think about each thing you say and decide whether or not it's REALLY important. Then only say half of those things that you thought were REALLY important. And when you find yourself searching for something to say because the other person isn't saying anything, stop. Listen. You'll be surprised at what you hear.