Without Aim

I'm not sure what I'm going to write about.

And yet for some reason, my hands feel drawn to the keyboard. I've got thoughts rolling through my head, but they're troubling and nebulous and shifting, hard to nail down. But I've found that oftentimes, the best way to nail things down is to put them into words, so here I am. These are just my thoughts... there's no highly reasoned and thought out conclusions or airtight arguments. In fact, there might not even be solid, coherent reasoning. They are what they are.

I know the general topic matter of my thoughts. You probably could, too, if you thought about it. Why? That's easy; they're troubling thoughts.

An old friend of mine once said something that's stuck with me for a long time because it's as funny as it is true. One day, I was feeling (and looking) down, so he asked if I was feeling crappy. I told him I was and he asked if it was about a girl. He was right, it was. I was surprised that he knew what was bothering me and asked how he had figured it out. In response, he laughed and said "Peske, anytime a guy is looking down, it's probably because of a pair of tits and some estrogen."

This is the point where I don't really know where to go, though, so I'm just going to start typing. I'm pretty good at talking to girls. I figured that one out a long time ago. I can keep a conversation going no problem and get to know a girl. But I think I may have gotten myself stuck in a rut.

Since about early high school, I've liked quite a few different girls. I've only ever dated one girl, though (and that relationship didn't turn out very well). In most of the rest of the cases, I realized that the girl in question didn't requite and settled for becoming friends with her. I had a number of good friends who worked out that way, honestly.

I think that over time, I kind of developed a system. Turned it into an art, if you will. The girls that I liked, I became friends with. And didn't become anything else with.

Ironically, I've learned over the years that a number of the girls who I liked but became friends with ended up liking me at some time or another. The timing wasn't right or I didn't notice their feelings or something, though, because it never worked out. I was just their friend, and that's all I'd ever be.

I've decided I can't keep that pattern up anymore, though. I can't meet a new girl, like her, realize she doesn't like me, and then become friends with her instead since she's such a cool girl. I'd rather meet a girl, and if I like her, I'll ask her out on a date. And if she says yes, that's great, and if she says no, I'll forget about her and move on. None of this half-assed, "let's be friends since you don't like me" stuff.

Because I've grown tired of the game. I can't keep dealing with the same bullshit. I can't keep watching girls I like date douchebag guys who don't treat them right. I can't keep smiling and nodding in agreement when girls say things like "We went on a date and he kissed me, but now he won't even talk to me. Guys are such assholes!" because hey, here I stand, doing my damndest to be a shining example of a not-asshole, and it's getting me nowhere. I can't keep sitting there and watching girls be fun and charming and maddeningly attractive while I have to bite my tongue and think about how I can't sweep them off their feet like I'd like to. I can't keep doing the nice-guy thing, because hey, we all know where they finish.

Ironically, I sometimes think that I don't know how to romance girls courtesy of my friendship policy. Even I were to like a girl and she were to like me, I don't have the foggiest idea of how to make the transition from the let's-get-to-know-each-other stage to the we-like-each-other-and-we're-dating stage. I think I'd just end up sliding right into the now-we're-friends line of thinking. I suppose I could just do what most guys do and try to get into their pants, except that that's not even a little bit me and would go against everything I am and believe. Which is too bad, because that method seems a lot simpler.

When I get sucked down into these kinds of thoughts, I usually grow frustrated and dream about washing my hands entirely of the female species and being a bachelor for the rest of my life. It certainly has its perks. Total freedom; no one to nag you or force you to check in or keep you from doing whatever spontaneous thing you decide. Money, the kind that you can throw around at whatever toy catches your eye. A lot less conflict.

But for as often as I consider it, I think of a life without a girl, and there are a few things that I just can't escape. An empty house. No one to talk to. No one to hold, or to be held be in return. Sex, specifically the lack-thereof (cause hey, I'm an abstinent 22 year old guy - these things occur to me).

I could lead a successful, contented life without a wife. I don't know how happy or fulfilled I'd be, but successful and content is probably more than many people can hope for.

Even as I say things like that, I realize that many people I know would be shaking their heads at the way I extrapolate out my current situation. Which is fair, because I'd probably shake my head at me too if I weren't me. Hell, I kinda shake my head at me anyway. There are plenty of situations in my past where I've been miserable at the time, and now I couldn't care less about what was bothering me at the time.

I don't even really know where my thoughts are at anymore. I guess I'm left feeling like I'm playing a game that I'm forced to play. Thing is, I'm no good at the game. Not even sure I know the rules. I take to pretty much everything else without much effort, though, so maybe that's my trade off.

But I don't really have much else to say. If you've read this far, congratulations. You've suffered through my disorganized thoughts.